After years of wrestling with doubt and depression, Chris Jenkins shares his story of discovering the peace, joy and freedom that comes from a renewed relationship with Jesus.

I come from a strong Christian heritage, with my parents being fourth or fifth generation Salvationists. Unfortunately, my dad died when I was eight years old in an aircraft accident. I’ve suspected for a while that his death was a key moment in my life where I lost foundational trust in people and in God. I’ve always felt very alone. I remember as a child thinking, ‘I can’t rely on anyone’. As an adult my default thinking was similar—‘I’m pretty much on my own’.

I had a blessed upbringing and a standard New Zealand childhood. I cruised through school without any real idea of what I was doing there and managed to pass School Certificate and move into the workforce.

When I was 19 years old, things began to fall apart in my life. I don’t really know why, perhaps it was the transition to adulthood, but I began to experience depression, isolation and despair. It continued year after year.

Even though I felt I got nothing out of it, I always had a real heart for God. I was deeply convinced that He is real and involved in our lives. I just never felt Him, saw Him or had any real experience of Him. If I didn’t have this belief, I imagine I wouldn’t be here today.

I felt like taking my life wasn’t something I could do, even though I desperately wanted out.

During this season, I’d have to leave church meetings because I felt so angry. I’d hear this message of hope, love and purpose and ask, ‘God, where is that for me?’

I felt the exact opposite. I lived with this awful dilemma: I believed in God with everything that I had, but I saw no evidence of an active God in my life.

But God was good. On my mother’s suggestion, I went to see a Christian counsellor. That was a real turning point. I went along expecting nothing would change, but when I got home, I had an amazing intervention moment from God. For the first time I felt His Father heart and His overwhelming love for me. Nothing really changed in my day-to-day life, but that connection felt like a big drink of water that kept me going.

I grew up and got married. I was doing all the things a good Christian would do but I was still frustrated and just going through the motions. Thankfully, I married an officers’ kid, so I had no choice but to go to church. I didn’t enjoy it. I felt very disconnected and like I had nothing to contribute.

 Then, three years ago, two things happened. First, I changed jobs. As a teacher, I moved from a secular school to a Christian school. Then, a member of our worship team invited me to play the bass guitar.
I don’t know why I said yes. I’d got very good at saying no to church-related things. Those two decisions have been absolute game changers in drawing me closer to God.

God has worked a gentle but dramatic change within me. I can hardly recognise myself. For decades I drove to work with a knot in my stomach and a burden on my shoulders. But I as I drove, I began talking to God. I stopped striving, performing and trying to do spiritual gymnastics. I stopped trying to figure everything out and stopped expecting anything at all. I decided I was simply going to come to Jesus.

I said to God, ‘Here I am, I can’t do it. It’s either up to You or nothing is ever going to change’. In some ways it was a cold and hard decision to trust God. I was so tired of oscillating, I asked myself, ‘Are you in or are you out? Is this true or untrue? Is God actually trustworthy?’

When I did this, the peace and joy the Bible talks about became something I experienced daily. I was such a worrier, anxious about everything. It was so simple: just coming to Him, sitting at His feet or face-first before Him. For the first time, I feel like I’m seeing something of the nature of Jesus; who He is, how good He is and what His kingdom is all about. It fills me with passion, joy and excitement about the adventure of life instead of the daily rushing machine that I had lived for so long.

The irony is that nothing has particularly changed in my circumstances. I’ve still got all sorts of things that bother me, but now my response is, ‘I’ve got nothing here, Jesus. This is Your department. All I can do is say yes to You and keep coming back.’ 

I now see my students, my family, my church and the world differently. As I declare God’s Word on my way to work, it almost instantly brings peace that I don’t understand. And in those moments when it doesn’t, because those moments still happen, I sense a deeper peace beneath the circumstances.

I’m learning to trust God to change my perspective when life is difficult. I praise God because I know He is changing my heart and my mind to be more like Him.

I am so grateful for God’s blessing in giving me my wife Kelly and our two wonderful daughters. Kelly has always had the right words at the right time, encouraging me when I felt I had nothing to offer.
My mother is a prayer warrior who is always praying for us, and my brother has always been a great
friend to me.

It takes practice to change your thinking and to take your thoughts captive. When those critical thoughts begin, I recognise them and give them straight to Jesus. I know I can trust the Holy Spirit to lead me.